lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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