I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
