Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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