dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
