He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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