i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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