What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize