DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Randomize
