Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize