I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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