my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
should my penis look like a turkey
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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