i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
