well I can't set my house on fire every night
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
