i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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