I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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