Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
