Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
