I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
