Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
