I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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