don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
