is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
