I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
