i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
