I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I just sucked dick on a ferry
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
