So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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