my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
