honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
