Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Randomize
