i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
i now understand why vodka
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