____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Randomize
