Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
