There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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