Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
