Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
