Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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