There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
