I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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