You smell like a Billy Joel song
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
