Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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