I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
