I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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