I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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