I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
