Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
