If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
