I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Randomize
