Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
