And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
