I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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