I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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