youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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