Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
