Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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