Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Randomize