I wish I could teleport
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
He passed out mid-signature
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
