new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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