You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
