if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Randomize