im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
