If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Come see our sink grown plant.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize